Welcome to Lent
February 22nd, 2012 § Leave a Comment
I like the somberness and reflectiveness of the Lenten season. Being confronted by the reminder of mortality that Lent brings has made me feel like living life to the fullest and making changes where I need to so that I can truly appreciate what I have. To that end, on Monday I started a 21 day meditation challenge through the Chopra Center. It’s free, and I really like it. For the second three weeks of Lent, I think I’m going to try to keep meditating on my own. There’s something about trying to stay present that feels like just what I need right now.
[I haven't written much about religion here, but thanks to a crying jag, I realized how much I am missing spiritual elements in my life lately. As a result, I plan to do more writing on these topics, as well as exploring what I need my real life to be faith-wise.]
School lunch brag
February 17th, 2012 § 1 Comment
In Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, Regena Thomashauer instructs us to brag because
Bragging about the goodness in your life, especially your pleasurable accomplishments, unearths your desires and fans the flames of desire in other women.
So my brag is how FREAKING AWESOME our lunches were this week. Chicken fried steak, spinach enchiladas with cilantro cream sauce, beef stroganoff, and pizza, all homemade from whole (and in most cases local) ingredients! (Full disclosure: the beef stroganoff was more like stew with noodles because I tried subbing a homemade/bpa-free version of Campbell’s Golden Mushroom soup that wasn’t condensed enough, but it was still good). Hubs and I have never eaten so well, and I am so proud of us, both because we’re eating whole foods and because of what it has meant for our budget. (We ate out a lot on the weekends before because it felt like so much work to me to cook. Saturday nights now mean amazing homecooking from local ingredients and I love how we have both embraced it). Wooooiiieeeeeeee!
Boundaries
February 13th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
When I was a camp counselor, it was common knowledge that the “soft” cabin counselors were less beloved by the kids. In a co-counselor situation, the more strict counselor was always the favorite. The kids, away from home and experiencing new and often challenging things, wanted security when they went back to their cabins, and reasonable rules, enforced fairly, helped them feel safe.
My therapist has been talking to me for ages about creating boundaries in my life. Just like the kids at camp, boundaries made in relationships are a way of keeping oneself safe, so that no one gives too much of herself, gets lost in the relationship, or starts to feel resentful.
It took me a long time to understand enough to apply boundaries in my own life and (here’s the key) to do so without feeling guilty. In spite of two close friendships starting to feel like a burden, making boundaries while maintaining contact (with the help of my therapist), and coming out of it all certain the friendship had deepened, I still didn’t buy it. Cultural expectations exist (for women especially, I think) that we should sacrifice ourselves for others. And not just sacrifice our time or energy, but in a lot of cases, our comfort and enjoyment. Example: I shouldn’t tell my friend (labmate, partner, boss, sibling, parent) that she’s driving me crazy because I need to be supportive and nurturing to her. And not only should I not tell her, I also should continue to spend time with her, even though it really isn’t fun for me and in many cases makes me mad.
The solution to the above example is to make a boundary with the crazy-driving person that she doesn’t even need to know about. Because the second key to making boundaries is that they are only for me. To make the boundary, I play therapist in my head and ask myself, “What do I need to feel safe in the relationship?” or “What would help me feel less resentful?” Usually the first answer that comes to mind is “if she would stop being so DAMN crazy-driving,” but then I have to ask myself the questions again with the emphasis on I and me because I am the one with the frustration and it’s me that needs to feel safer.
So I might work on adjusting my expectations (because expectations are a boundary in themselves) or I might decide that I need to see someone less often for a little while or when my extremely negative labmate brings up something else that is WRONG in his life, I might nod politely and say something positive or I might even go do an experiment (because let’s be honest I could always be doing more of those).
After a while of operating with this boundary in place, I probably notice that I don’t feel as resentful. The drop off of resentment could be because my more realistic expectations are no longer being disappointed regularly or because what I really needed was a break. But what’s even better is when I notice that the friend has made strides forward in her own life because I stopped enabling her negativity (or other toxic behavior). Because the final key to making boundaries is that they help EVERYONE (just like the rules at camp). Not only do they help me feel safe in the relationship, but the boundary helps the other person relax, too, because she can tell I’m not resentful any more or because she knows that whatever I was doing before that was really a lot of ask of a friend isn’t expected of her anymore.
So I finally bought in, and I don’t feel guilty making boundaries in my relationships. Everything that I give now, I’m giving because it’s available within me to give. (You might say I’ve had another breakthrough).
Two
February 5th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Twenty three years ago, I wasn’t particularly happy my sister, Audrey, was born (see me looking diabolical as she tries to keep breathing in photo at right). I took out my social challenges through elementary, middle, and high school on her in the form of verbal abuse, but I wised up, she forgave me, and now she is among my best friends.
I am FREAKING LUCKY that I was born first, as she is highly intelligent, funny, gorgeous, and musically/theatrically brilliant. Example 1: I quit playing the piano in sixth grade because she, at the tender age of 7, had surpassed my abilities (And I’m not proud of this, but when she got to middle school, I threw a fit because she wanted to play the French horn, and I was afraid of being surpassed again. She played the trumpet instead and is, of course, totally amazing. She also plays the piano, guitar organ, accordion, and autoharp). Example 2: She double majored in Music Composition and Physics in college. Her senior capstone in music was a recital featuring works for organ, English horn, string quartet, percussion, and electric guitar that she composed, and they were good. Her senior capstone in physics involved building a Stirling engine and thermal battery. Example 3: She was voted “Most Witty” her senior year of high school and now composes hilarious Irish-ish drinking songs for the autoharp. Her facebook status the Friday before she graduated read: “College sucks. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Fiercely independent, she passionately supports causes that are important to her, regardless of their popularity. GLBTQQIAA rights and comprehensive sex education are two that have benefited from Audrey’s embrace. She also looks like dynamite in neon thrift store finds and, in the light of temporary funemployment post-college, recently started an Etsy shop selling fantastic “successories” she makes from garage saled/thrifted items. Audrey is also an incredible cat mama, having rescued a special needs siamese kitteh.
In spite of the fact that I gave her tons of crap growing up and that she is now quantifiably cooler (see evidence above) than I am, she still wants to be my friend. Even though we live far apart, I am consistently grateful for our in person visits, Facetime and phone chats. Our relationship is the primary reason I am still considering having more than one child, in spite of my own leanings and the extremely convincing social and environmental arguments for single child families (i.e. those found in Maybe One by Bill McKibben). If I could guarantee that any child of mine could have as great a relationship with a sibling as I do with mine, I’d have two kids in an instant. With that, Happy Birthday, Sister! I can’t wait to see what’s next for you.
P.S. This post was inspired in part by the sister love from dooce and momastery.
Breakthrough? (a reflection on 2012 so far)
February 1st, 2012 § 2 Comments
On January 1, Husband and I did an exercise where I cut circles out of colored cardstock and then we wrote our vision for 2012 on them in each of five categories: Him, Me, Us, Home, Money. He wrote the vision for Him, I wrote the vision for Me and we wrote the vision for Us, Home, and Money together. We taped them to the fridge, so they are VERY present in our everyday lives. (Our counselor aptly calls it the “visioning fridge”).
Inspired by my very incredible sister-in-law, who before the end of 2011 chose a word to embody in 2012, and with the help of my Relationship Cards, I chose “breakthrough” and wrote it boldly in the middle of the Me circle. Wishing and manifesting and visioning can all be tricky because the skeptic in me can never be sure whether I am more aware of things that are happening or whether more things are actually happening because of intention. That said, here is a list of breakthrough-ish things that happened in January:
- I finally understood and did two yoga poses (in two separate classes) that have been a challenge since I started practicing regularly in November.
- I moved out of the serious science slump I have been in since Octoberish in one day last week.
- Hubs and I did serious emotional work on money in our relationship.
I’m pretty excited to see what’s in store for the rest of 2012.
The marriage YOU are in
January 22nd, 2012 § Leave a Comment
The blog world was rocked this week by the announcement from Heather and Jon Armstrong that their marriage is currently in a trial separation. Twitter exploded, hundreds of comments were left on their respective blogs and some of my friends who are readers got together on a hangout so we could process together. Tack on to that all the celebrity break ups that are consistently happening all around us, books featuring the end of a marriage as a main plot point, and the hardest of all, the end of the marriages of people you know and love in real life, and marriage seems pretty pointless. In the past, I’ve felt derailed by the hurt all around me. Sure Hubs and I are mostly great now, but what happens to us when we have kids, the next time we move, in 30 years, or when our marriage faces challenges I haven’t even anticipated?
What has really helped me to get past all of those worries is one simple fact (which can be repeated like a mantra): our marriage is OUR marriage. Our marriage is not Jon and Heather’s marriage or the marriage of anyone close to me, no matter how much I admire what they seemed to have. Because only the two people in the marriage can really know why it works or doesn’t work, I can’t let the end of anyone else’s marriage derail me because as long as I know what’s going on in my marriage, I’m doing the best I can. And there are always times when marriages end because one person did something, but I think it’s more often that people grow apart and there are convincing reasons not to try to grow back together. So as long as Hubs and I keep working on it, we’ll be fine. (I think).
Easy does it
January 6th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Inspired by several bloggy friends looking back at their resolutions from 2011 while looking forward to 2012, I went back to read my first post of 2011. What I felt was not inspired, awesome, or proud, but lame, lame, lame. Looking through my resolutions, I can see that I’ve made significant progress in the teaching, fitness, and love categories, and medium progress bringing creativity into my life, but the science and money aspects were veritable flops. It is so hard for me to see past the flops, plus our house is a post-Christmas mess, and these two issues combined with my body readjusting to not eating cookies every day (I JUST WANT SUGAR) have rendered this first week of 2012 somewhat challenging.
Yesterday, I absolutely lost it in lab listening to new tunes suggested by dooce because I heard a really apt message in the lyrics:
Do what’s easy, steal every red cent from the wishing well
Smoke cigarettes till your chest rattles like hell
Just do what’s easy
Waste every evening, don’t ever read and don’t ever right
Never leave home and get drunk every night
Just do what’s easy
Hate completely, let every wall feel the force of your fist
Forget your debts cause forgiveness exists
Just do what’s easy
If I could “finish” all my resolutions from 2011, what was I thinking making them? How can I expect to grow emotionally, spiritually, intellectually if I’m not reaching for things that are hard? Even though I tend toward breaking down in sobs every time I read something like this, and failure at the science bench still sends me screaming to blogland, where I can hideout and read about royal fashion, babies being born, and baking beautiful cakes, I am now pretty sure I’m on a path that is right for me. Maybe acknowledging how hard it is and getting to a place where quitting is an option I know I’m not going to pursue was enough for 2011.
How did you do on your 2011 resolutions?
Lesson Learned (reverb11)
December 23rd, 2011 § Leave a Comment
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
(This prompt comes from day 10 of this Reverb11 list.)
I was really struck by the child abuse scandal this fall at Penn State. Besides immense sadness and compassion for the children affected, I felt incredulous that after someone witnessed the rape of a 10 year old and reported it, nothing more was done. Where were all the adults? How hard would it have been to just call the police? Surely, in the same situation, I would have done something. Any of the decent people I know would have!
And then I read this extremely insightful look at human behavior, written by the very thoughtful David Brooks (whom I’d only a week before been introduced to via Charlie Rose on NPT, which we were watching because we cancelled cable). In his piece, Brooks challenges me and everyone else thinking the same thing I was about the actions we surely would have taken had we been witnesses. He highlights case after case of people witnessing wrongs against their fellow humans and continuing blissfully without taking any action. Humans, he says, are good at self deception, paying attention to what we like, and ignoring that which is inconvenient, unwelcome or objectionable. Brooks ends with this nugget (emphasis his):
Commentators ruthlessly vilify all involved from the island of their own innocence. Everyone gets to proudly ask: “How could they have let this happen?” The proper question is: How can we ourselves overcome our natural tendency to evade and self-deceive?
And I feel like David Brooks is speaking directly to me or maybe shouting (though I don’t think he shouts actually; he seems quite polite). How often do I self-deceive? How easy is it to not hold myself accountable at work to get lab stuff done? Is that any way to finish a PhD? In social or professional situations, when the subjects of religion, choice, or marriage equality come up, how often to I just keep my mouth shut? And how many people could I advocate for if I spoke openly, rationally, and calmly about my views? When I struggle with relationships, what do I do to address the situation? (Blaming the other person doesn’t count.) When I see a stranger riding a bike on the sidewalk or walking their dog without a leash, do I address it with them? What steps have I taken this year to help the least of us, the homeless, the sick, the in other ways maligned? How do I act to save our quickly warming planet and to reduce consumption? The answers to these questions vary in how good I feel about them, so my lesson for 2011 is that self-deception is easy to slip into, and in going forward, the best way for me to address this habit is to be mindful of it.
Free Time (reverb11)
December 19th, 2011 § 2 Comments
What would you do if you had more free time?
(This post is a part of Reverb 11, even though I’m not blogging every day or following any kind of order. The prompt comes from here.)
This question is fitting for this year because a lot of 2011 for Hubs and me was about decluttering our time and attempting to free more of it. The goal was to find balance between feeling good about working really hard in lab, spending quality time together, with friends, and with our animals, exercising, and doing chores. We’re obviously still working on it, but a lot has changed about the allocation of our time since the start of 2011.
First, we cancelled cable. I blogged about this back in August, but now several months out, I can tell you that it is one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. Not only have we stopped watching all cable shows (obviously), we have also stopped watching network shows that we didn’t really like because we no longer have the DVR to make them convenient. We don’t turn to TV as the default relaxation activity anymore, and Mr. Roo and I have both read waaaaaay more books than we did in 2010. A lot of days the TV doesn’t come on at all, and it is almost never on in the mornings. The NFL is still readily available, but we’ve also started a new social tradition of going to bars to watch games, which is more fun and fills us up socially. If you’re thinking of cancelling cable, do it. It’s absolutely the best way to give yourself more time.
Second, we hired a cleaning service. It’s fairly crazy that grad students are making this a financial priority, but not having to worry about when our house is next getting cleaned is waaaaay worth it. Also, the time that it takes me/Hubs to clean well and thoroughly versus the time it takes professionals to clean well and thoroughly do not compare. We no longer have to fight about house cleaning, which is spectacular. We can truly relax on the weekends, rather than doing tons of chores, which also means we exercise more.
Third, focusing on just a few things has made me feel more balanced overall. Along with cancelling cable and paying someone else to clean, not playing/coaching ultimate, declining some social engagements to make sure we have some nights at home together, establishing a schedule of twice a month volunteering with Tonks, and finding three amazing yoga classes that work well with my weekly schedule have all be huge contributors to the balance I am currently (well maybe not currently, the holidays are hard) feeling.
If I had more free time, I would do more creatively, but frankly, I’m doing just fine. The free time Hubs and I have now is spent in being together or being with family or being with friends, and I think that’s what I need right now: to just be.
Guilty Pleasures (reverb11)
December 13th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Being relatively new to the blogosphere, I have been pleasantly surprised to see a movement happening around the interwebs called Reverb 2011, where bloggers post lists of topics for every day in December or write in response to topics others have posted. I like the community aspects and that topics are provided, and I like how some people are picking and choosing which topics suit them best. Today, I’m going to write about five guilty pleasures, the fifth topic from this list.
1. Following the fashion/activities of the English royal family, specifically the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (Wills and Kate). This guilty pleasure started EARLY. When I was a tween, I joined an online Prince William fan club known as (wait for it) the Wilmas. It was basically conducted all via Yahoo! chat rooms (when those were cool and safe) and we did things like send homemade birthday cards to William and Harry. The obsession continues to the present day with my active membership in the What Kate Wore Facebook group and reading of the corresponding blog. I hosted a 4 am party to watch Will and Kate’s wedding live. I am currently watching the NBC special about the first six months of the royal marriage (while my darling husband grocery shops)! Gosh, if I don’t feel pretty ridiculous. BUT I LOVE IT.
2. The Twilight Series. Obviously many people love these books, but if I have a daughter, I will not encourage her to read them. Twilight glorifies co-dependence, traditional gender roles, and the idea that women need men. In spite of all that, I have read the series no less than four times, and I’ve been to the midnight premieres of all the movies.
3. Cream horns (google it): best purchased at the grocery store, I am fairly certain the filling of these is made with Crisco (or lard) and that they have virtually no nutritional value. I don’t eat them often, but when I do, I usually eat the whole package (five cream horns).
4. and 5. are related because they both involve my preference for listening to songs on repeat (4) and reading the same books over and over. A certain college friend will remember the days that I listened to Total Eclipse of the Heart on repeat until she was so frustrated that upon calling and finding I was still listening to it, she hung up. I think it stems from the desire to not be disappointed. If I can listen to a song or read a book, then why not choose one that I know I love? I have therefore read Ella Enchanted maybe 12 times (no exaggeration). These tendencies about myself seem like guilty pleasures because I think there’s a lot of pressure to be innovative and hip about the music we listen to or the books we read, but there’s something in these and all of my guilty pleasures about being true to myself, so that’s what I’m embracing here.
What are your guilty pleasures and what do they say about your true self?
