In the weeks since the new year, I have been feeling utterly demotivated and exhausted. I have been fighting against every single thing happening in my life, from science to crafting to love, and it is time-consuming and demoralizing. I started out the year with bad science news (not actually that unusual, bad science news happens in the lab every day and far more often than good science news; bench science is really hard to get right), which led to me not making myself work in lab, which leads to more non-success.
The thermofax machine, about which I was so excited, arrived and immediately didn’t work as described. Ebay is really great about buyer protection, and it wasn’t a problem to send it back. It was a headache and heartache, though, because I had to file a claim, wait for response from the seller, and deal with the disappointment of not getting to use it to create. Furthermore, today 3M emailed me the manual for the machine I just sent back, and I think that if I had the manual last Friday, I might not have needed to send the machine back.
And the rug, which you heard about yesterday, was just another thing that I was really excited about and then felt disappointed by. It’s normal in our lives to feel disappointment, but it crosses a line when relatively minor things paralyze us. I have been in a mode where any tiny thing that goes not as I expect is devastating. This way to live is neither productive nor realistic. In reality, many people have way worse things happening to them. Energetically dedicating so much of myself to feeling disappointed is completely unhelpful. I have been awfulizing, as my mom would say. And this post, from my soul sister kittiwake, just really hit me over the head with the problems I’ve been creating for myself. (What are friends for?)
So today I make a fresh start and stop thinking about things I want to do and actually do them. The science will work eventually if I work. The right thermofax machine will come into my life and probably at a time that’s not right after the holidays when we’re feeling more like parting with the money I saved for it. The rug is a lesson in how much of myself to invest in an uncertain outcome. As Hubs would say, “You’re all right.”