My intention word for 2012 was breakthrough, which ended up being sort of a be-careful-what-you-wish-for situation. 2012 was definitely a breakthrough year for me, in both my personal life and professional path. Hubs and I did serious work around money and intimacy in our relationship (with the help of our counselor), which was challenging, but largely positive. Breaking through the heavy stuff sometimes feels good, but the breakthroughs related to my vocation have led me to feel uncertainty and fear.
Realizing that a postdoc is not right for me feels true and good, but it also leaves a void. In not taking the traditional next step, I have to find a different next step and to commit, however temporarily, to another path. I’ve avoided writing about it here because it’s so hard for me to cede one piece of control that I have, which is how much of myself I put out there. By not sharing with the world, I get to stay safe. If my plans don’t work out, only the people I’ve told in “real life” will know. Even though I’ve told plenty of people in real life, they are mostly loved ones who seem to be proud no matter what. This public blog feels somehow a bigger deal and I desperately want it to stay safe, happy, and fun.
Part of inviting joy, welcoming joy, yearning for joy, though, seems to involve a fair amount of choice. I’ve been choosing lately to give in to anxious, unknown, and scary. My intention word for 2013, therefore, is focus. It works on a couple of levels: 1) I need to focus like crazy if I want to achieve what I’m planning for this year and 2) I always have a choice about what I choose to focus on, what I choose to lean into.
So this coming year, I will lean into to the difficulties that will inevitably come with pursuing a career as a science communicator. As I work to complete my PhD, get our house ready to sell, and apply for internships, I will do my best to shift my focus away from fear. Fear that leads me to delay experiments because I don’t want to know the outcome, to put off contacting people to interview for science stories, and to take three days to write this blog post. In 2013, I am choosing joy over fear and focus is going to take me there.
Do you have an intention word for 2013?